Cheated

 

So today, i cheated on my project.

 

I skipped a song. just ONE, i swear 🙂

 

i was not in the mood to write anything along the lines of love-love-love (as most of my itunes songs are) so i skipped.

 

i have been having weird dreams. dreams that are all crazy and all over the place. but all of them have recurring themes though. this resulted to my bookmarking a dream interpretation website on my phone, just in case i wake up from such weird dreams.

 

and thing is, in my dreams, its not even things that i have in my subconscious. the things that my dreams reveal to me are those things that i already know, but have always been pushing aside to ‘cope’. and i was never one to ‘just cope’. i process things, go through the emotion, and then learn from it.

 

and somewhere along the years, i havent been doing to. ive just been dealing with things.

 

so the song i cheated with, of course, tells me the same thing. i need to get back to good. back to things that matter. because everything else is pointless without a lot of thought into it.

 

**

 

It’s nothing, it’s so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don’t go there cuz I don’t want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It’s best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn’t tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I’m lonely now, and I don’t know how
To get it back to good

This don’t mean that, you own me
This ain’t no good, in fact it’s phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don’t know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I’m going to do

So this is the thing about everyone. Everyone has a pre-conceived notion of everyone else. First impressions aren’t really first impressions if before you even meet someone you hear something about them from someone else. The moment that new person comes along and you meet them, don’t you already have a picture of them in your head? So your first impression is already tainted, right? That, i think, is exactly what everyone doesn’t need. How the heck are we supposed to make a good impression if others already expect us to be their version of us? I think we should all give each other breathing room. but honestly, even if saying that you are not affected by others’ opinions, it is still inevitable. right?

 

See this is my problem. I am halfway around the world from where i grew up, where my character was built, and yet there’s still that shadow of expectation following me around. and i have no clue if it’s a good or bad thing because i haven’t had the time to process what kind of character i really am. i mean, i have people coming in at all directions telling me i’m this and i’m that but personally, everything’s a blur. And my dreams aren’t helping either – telling me that i need to let out a part of me that’s been hidden for a while and to let it surface again to make things better. which part?

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It’s best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn’t tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I’m sorry now, and I don’t know how
To get it back to good

Oh, and why is it that halfway around the world, they have this idea that being out here is all peaches and cream? When all this time, i have been wanting to be where they are and try and find what i have lost? I like my life here, sure. But i LOVE how things were before. back in 2005. best year, i think.

Like, i look around and see every smiling face, and i think, ‘are they truly happy?’ and then i find myself scolding myself for being so cynical or being too critical of other people. this is what’s hard about working in customer service. and i’m a big people-watcher too. so here lies to problem. i watch people, i see how they are. and i cant help think about what they do when they’re not waiting for their cups of coffee, or if they’re not spending their money on mall-stuff. how many of all those people i encounter one, two minutes everyday actually feel the way they look?  Am i a hater? Hating everyone who see’s every happy face? Hating because i wish their life was mine? Have i become so cynical?? where did that last train of thought come from?!?? (scratch scratch scratch)

Everyone here, is wondering what it’s like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here’s to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we’re the same, we’re
The same
And we’re all grown now, but we don’t know how
To get it back to good

We don’t know how to get it back to good. What gives? Whoever makes those self-help brochures better have something to cure this. Rambling helps. And these are just five things that hopefully will help. Number five is my favorite. Works every time.

 

Step One: Stop trying to find problems.

“if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” just because someone else is having a shitty day (week, month, year, life…), doesn’t mean it’s gonna go shitty for you too.

 

Step Two: Breathe.

deeply. except when you’re in downtown.

 

Step Three: Enjoy simple things.

parks. beach. that perfect song. catching your shows on time. your dog’s playfully sweet attempt to get you to scratch the back of their ears.

 

Step Four: Eat. Happiness will always come on a plate, or some sort of serving dish.

“either be a fat jolly kid or a skinny bitch.” – i think that was the line from The Big C (showtime series. Brilliant!). Everyone may lust after a skinny bitch. but everyone loves a fat happy kid. may end up being in the friend zone for a long time, but at least they love you no matter what dress size you are. besides, if you’re mean to everyone, you end up being lonely, and when you’re lonely, you end up filling that void with food. then you get fat – and you dont have friends. sad, right? Eat. not a lot, just eat a good hearty, home-cooked meal every now and then. preferably with friends.

 

Step Five: If all else fails, get in your car, keep the windows up, turn on your stereo, and sing your heart out.

i dare you to try it and not enjoy it. i double dare you. 

 

***

 

(commercial break: i just tried this thing where i closed my eyes and skipped my itunes 12 times. i started with Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance and ended up with We’re Forgiven by The Calling. how weird is my library? )

 

***

 

This is how i work things out. I rant. I ramble. I say a lot of nonsensical things. and i feel better after. doesn’t always mean i make sense, or i resolve anything, but a little bit of clutter has been set aside neatly along the folds of my brains, at least.

 

© Maia Vida : September 6, 2010