Rainy Days and Thursdays

I swear, i did NOT choose this song.

 

 

**

This is what brought us together. I guess in some weird way, or a paradoxical turn of events, this is what closes this chapter of my life.

 

I should have known.

 

You have sung that line one too many times, and perhaps there was a reason you were given that line to sing. You never spoke your heart, not until someone earns your trust. I thought I had it. I thought i was in. I just didn’t try hard enough. And i know I’ve let you down.

 

I thought you knew my life revolved around you. And it did. For a good few years of my life i have done most of the things I did because i could not have the life i wanted to have with you. it was hard letting you go that afternoon.

 

I wish I weren’t irrational and emotional. Maybe, this heart full of unspoken words would not have been left unspoken. And maybe, i could have understood your feelings, and what you were going thru. In spite of the hurt i felt, i know now that if only i had taken the time and thought harder, that i wouldnt have made the same decision as i have.

 

And i know, everything, EVERYTHING, would have been different.

 

You were my happy ending. And you were true. And I thought you knew.

 

It isnt that i’m holding you back. I know, i have known for a while, that it was I who have changed everything for the worse. I have taken you for granted. It was the last thing i wanted to do. But, I have done it. and i cannot take anything back.

 

Rainy days will bring back memories of you in my arms, laughing and being happy. I’ve always known that it was perfect to remind myself of you during rain. Everything is more beautiful during the rain. Everything in my life was more beautiful with you. And i will never let go of that happy thought.

 

Despite all these memories, I have given my word.

 

Alas, all these things I’ve done will remain locked up and kept away for i have given my word. Not to reminisce, not to relive. The past has gone and I must move past these.

 

To let you go. And so I will. And so I have. And so it shall be.

 

**

Rainy Days

To describe the rain against my skin –

Why do I torment myself, so?

Is it not enough that i cannot feel it here?

Or that it has been too long?

 

The cool drops are your kisses against my skin:

Every touch awakens my veins,

sliding through my body,

reaching underneath my skin,

knowing every part of me.

 

As I sit amidst the rain,

I am myself.

I do not hide. I can cry.

And it takes me as I am.

 

It keeps the world from hurting me, \

Despite being hurt by the world in turn.

 

To be without rain this long

is unbearable beyond compare.

For on this other side of the world,

Rain falls the least.

 

I cannot force it to save me any longer.

And rain on this side can never be the same.

 

It will only remind me of what once was:

beautiful rainy days in your arms,

where everything was right.

**

 

© Maia Vida: July 13, 2010

3-9-12

“Yeah, it’s plain to see
that baby you’re beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you.

It’s me, I’m a freak.
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly

There might have been a time
When I would let you slip away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life”

All just words, right? But what can i do? All i have are words. And the hope that one day i may be understood.

Am I?

if i were an ad, this would be my copy: “2 friends. 2 days. wake up.”

 

it has come to my attention that i want a lot of things done my way. am i that kind of person who would only be there for someone coz i needed something from them? apparently, yes.

 

and you know what? it wasnt only brought to my attention this week. ive just actively tried to push it further and further down that ive learned to deal with it. but again, apparently, i havent learned how to deal with it.

 

i was having brunch with my coworker friend this morning and she said something that stuck to my head. “The more you try and tell yourself not to be one trait, the more you will end up being that.” Its like when you’re on a diet, and you tell yourself you’re not gonna have sweets. The more you try and tell yourself no, the greater the craving will be and the more sweets you end up eating after giving in to that urge. So she tells me, “Maia, that’s a huge step, accepting that you’ve failed them.” But how to deal with it?

 

Here’s my cue to dust off the Harry Potter books and plug in those earphones.

 

my honest thoughts?

 

i am a selfish person. i am. i take a lot from people. i am not gonna play victim here and i will own up to my own selfishness. i treat a lot of people like shit. i do. ive fucked up my own friendships and its time for me to think about how i am going to change myself for the better.

 

i am going to try and treat my friends the way they need to be treated. im not gonna be a fair-weathered friend. thru shitty times and fun times, im going to be there.

 

but here’s my beef:

 

i try to be there for my friends as much as i could. i will lie for them. i will hide their secrets. i will listen and i will give as much opinion as i could to help them. i will try and feel how they feel so i can help them better. most of the time, i literally feel how they feel. literally.

 

i care for them deeply and without bullshit. my real friends know that i will call out their flaws when i see it and i know they will do the same for me. if i dont like you, i wont keep you in my life. when i lose friends though, a part of me dies. and i know that is such a cliche. fuck it, its true.

 

when i really need someone, and i dont mean during my pseudo-nervous breakdowns or overly dramatic mood swings or PMSing, i dont turn to any of my friends. because i know im too much to handle and i know that they wont appreciate all the stupid shit i have in my head. im pretty fucked up that way. im not even saying this to say “i-handle-my-own-shit-so-you-should-too”. no. thats not why i’m saying these things. i am saying this to explain myself.

 

i am not there when you need me because i cant. i am constantly fighting off demons of my own that i get caught up in my own miseries. i shut down a lot. like my brain goes into override and i find myself in one corner, stuck. like i cant move and i dont wanna move because sometimes, i fall shitfaced to the floor and find myself lost.

 

so i pick myself up again and try and work around my demons and get back to the world i’ve abandoned.

 

running to friends selfishly as i do, it makes me feel safe. like you are the pillars that keep me up. i try and keep you in my life to keep me afloat.

 

i lose touch with you, i dont talk to you on ym even if we’re all online, or i dont answer messages or calls, because i havent recharged myself. i wish i can blame it on my Empath, but really, i think i’ve exhausted that. i should have learned how to deal with this the first time i was told and I didnt.

 

So, this is the consequence. I’ve hurt my closest friends. Yes, the 2 friends mentioned at the beginning of this entry. It hurts to know that i did. but, again, i have GOT to stop thinking of ME and start putting THEM first.

 

Kat let me hear a few things i should never forget. She tells me how things changed for her when she learned to love herself. i should definitely take a page from her book and learn to love and take care of myself. maybe after, i will learn how to treat others right.

 

until then, i will respect their decisions. As Alex Band sings:

 

“I will be there

Always waiting

Waiting for you

To let me inside.

You know if this earth should crack

I’ll be your solid ground.”

 

When everything or everyone around you doesnt seem to make sense, i will try and help you figure things out as best as I can. But only if you let me. I will not push you to trust me. I will not push you to let me in.

 

Because I dont wanna hurt you again.

Let Go

Song: You Can Let Go
Artist: Backstreet Boys

I can see in your eyes
Broken windows, fallen skies
Baby, baby what you hidin’ from
The light that followed you around
Lately nowhere to be found
Don’t you know that I’m your place to run

You been holding on so long
Tryin’ to make believe that nothing’s wrong
Not letting it show
And there ain’t nothing you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know
That you can let go

Sifting through shattered dreams
Livin’ in the in between
Baby, babe it’s gonna be alright
(You can let go)
When you’re lost, let down, disappointed
And jerked around in this cold, cold world
I will always be by your side

You been holding on so long
Tryin’ to make believe that nothing’s wrong
Not letting it show
There ain’t nothin’ you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know
That you can let go

Don’t be afraid when you’re falling apart
Don’t hesitate I’ll be right where you are
Open your eyes there’s a crack in the dark

You never let me see you cry
You locked it somewhere deep inside
Baby, baby let me hold you tight
Make it alright

Baby, baby gonna be alright
Cause I’m by your side
When the whole world turns against you (I won’t turn against you)
Not letting it show
Baby, babe gonna be alright
Cause I’m by your side
When the whole world turns against you
You can let go

You been holding on so long
Tryin’ to make believe that nothing’s wrong
Not letting it show
You can let go
There ain’t nothing you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know

**

This is why I love the boys.

First time i saw them live, I was crying the whole time they sang this. actually, i was crying half the show. But when they did this song, i was just like that 10yr old depressed little girl who didnt know what to do with herself. and the words just got to me. it was a nice song when i first heard it, but when they were singing it, it felt like a warm hug from a long lost friend. like sitting quietly somewhere, not talking, just spending time together.

Thinking about it now, i really loved that piece of field behind the new HS building at st. paul. i would spend times there, nurturing my wild imagination. it was also by that field that some really precious moments of my life happened.

**

The breeze blew calmer this time of the year. Every blade of grass swayed  along with the changes of the breeze. Left to right, light to dark. I have never been more enchanted by this field more than i am right now.

Today has been really eye-opening. I walked out of a bad argument and I think i’ve lost a friend. It’s something like this that makes me want to shut out the world and keep to myself. Thinking about it more, turns out, i need my friend more than my friend needs me.

And I’m too selfish to say it out loud.

I fold my legs closer to my chest and wrap my arms around myself. It looks like rain. The grass even feels moist against my body. I wish it would fall soon. I find that this place is starting to adapt to me. Its catching up. Soon, it’ll be able to keep up with me and my emotions. And I wont have to keep running away.

I rest my chin on my right shoulder, close my eyes, and feel the cool breeze envelope me. It’s telling me that this is out of my hands, and that i need to brace myself for tomorrow. Later, after i’ve withdrawn myself from this solemn place, I know it will be hard. There will be things that I will never be able to control. Most of them include the people around me. Much like this field. I can sit amongst them, but i will never be one of them. I will never know how it feels like to be them. I cant fully understand them. And i cant expect them to fully understand me.

That is why I dont need to be thinking too much. Just like how I am right now, sitting her, letting my hair dance with the winds. I need to let things happen the way they ought to. They will turn dark, and I will feel lonely. But I need to let things happen.

The first drops of rain had fallen against my face. There’s no sense in running. In two seconds, I will be soaked. So i just keep still and let the rain find me.

© Maia Vida : January 19, 2010