I swear, i did NOT choose this song.
**
This is what brought us together. I guess in some weird way, or a paradoxical turn of events, this is what closes this chapter of my life.
I should have known.
You have sung that line one too many times, and perhaps there was a reason you were given that line to sing. You never spoke your heart, not until someone earns your trust. I thought I had it. I thought i was in. I just didn’t try hard enough. And i know I’ve let you down.
I thought you knew my life revolved around you. And it did. For a good few years of my life i have done most of the things I did because i could not have the life i wanted to have with you. it was hard letting you go that afternoon.
I wish I weren’t irrational and emotional. Maybe, this heart full of unspoken words would not have been left unspoken. And maybe, i could have understood your feelings, and what you were going thru. In spite of the hurt i felt, i know now that if only i had taken the time and thought harder, that i wouldnt have made the same decision as i have.
And i know, everything, EVERYTHING, would have been different.
You were my happy ending. And you were true. And I thought you knew.
It isnt that i’m holding you back. I know, i have known for a while, that it was I who have changed everything for the worse. I have taken you for granted. It was the last thing i wanted to do. But, I have done it. and i cannot take anything back.
Rainy days will bring back memories of you in my arms, laughing and being happy. I’ve always known that it was perfect to remind myself of you during rain. Everything is more beautiful during the rain. Everything in my life was more beautiful with you. And i will never let go of that happy thought.
Despite all these memories, I have given my word.
Alas, all these things I’ve done will remain locked up and kept away for i have given my word. Not to reminisce, not to relive. The past has gone and I must move past these.
To let you go. And so I will. And so I have. And so it shall be.
**
Rainy Days
To describe the rain against my skin –
Why do I torment myself, so?
Is it not enough that i cannot feel it here?
Or that it has been too long?
The cool drops are your kisses against my skin:
Every touch awakens my veins,
sliding through my body,
reaching underneath my skin,
knowing every part of me.
As I sit amidst the rain,
I am myself.
I do not hide. I can cry.
And it takes me as I am.
It keeps the world from hurting me, \
Despite being hurt by the world in turn.
To be without rain this long
is unbearable beyond compare.
For on this other side of the world,
Rain falls the least.
I cannot force it to save me any longer.
And rain on this side can never be the same.
It will only remind me of what once was:
beautiful rainy days in your arms,
where everything was right.
**
© Maia Vida: July 13, 2010
waring hiraya 