alone

This may seem inappropriate, but hopefully i can make this work.

 

**

I hear the tickin’ of the clock

I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark

I wonder where you are tonight

No answer on the telephone

And the night goes by so very slow

Till now I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you

You don’t know how long I have wanted

To touch your lips and hold you tight

You don’t know how long I have waited

And my love for you is still unknown

**

Does it ever stop? Do I have to stay up like this every night, waiting for you to come home? Will I ever feel safe if you’re not beside me?

 

I’ve called you time and time again, and yet here I sit in the empty living room, waiting for you to tell me where you are and what you have been doing. Am I supposed to just let you do this? Am I not allowed to worry anymore?

 

I remember holding you the first time, how I promised never to let anything bad happen to you. How I swore, that very first time I knew you were coming, that I will give you the world, and that you will always be my baby.

 

And now, you haven’t come home for two days, and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that something bad has happened, and that you are hurting right now, and that I am not with you to help you.

 

“Mom,”

 

You stumbled into the foyer and I rushed to give you the warmest hug ever.

 

“Please don’t be mad.” Nothing hurts more than to see your face struck with misery. Or to see your handsome face streaked with day-old tears. “I don’t know why she did this to us… We were happy, mom. I thought we were.” And I hugged you again, and I put everything I can into that hug, to tell you that no woman will love you like I will, and that I will never hurt you.

 

We sat on the stairs, and I couldn’t stop myself from remembering how you used to slide down these banisters and into my arms. It feels like yesterday when we’d run around the house, playing hide-and-go-seek. I was your best friend. Until you grew up.

 

And now, sitting here with you in your once crisp tuxedo from the other day’s events, I feel helpless as you cry in my arms, hurt like you’ve never been hurt before.

 

“You just let it all out, hunny. There’s no one here, you’re safe.”

“We should be away right now, on our honeymoon. Why did she have to wait until now?”

“I don’t know, hunny. I don’t know. But everything will be alright.”

“Look at me, a grown man crying on his mother’s lap. No wonder she left.”

 

“Now you listen to me, Anthony.” I held his face in my hands. “You were hurt and there is no shame in crying. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.” It felt like he was five and he had hurt his knee from falling of a tree. “I love you, ok? And we’ll stay here until you’re not hurt anymore.”

 

He smiled, “Mom. I’m hungry.”

 

So I stood and said, “Well, I have bread and soup in the kitchen if you want it.” He smiled back and stood next to me. He gave me a hug and thanked me for waiting up for him to come back. It’s true, he’ll always be that baby boy I held  25 years ago. And I will always be here to make things better for him.

 

**

 

© Maia Vida : August 11, 2010